Monday, April 8, 2019

Superheroes Are Good For the Soul

It's that time of year where summer break is so close you can almost taste it. The kids feel it, the parents feel it and I've got to imagine the teachers do too. That being said, I recently chalked up less than enthusiastic behavior toward school to that very notion. I thought my kids were just feeling burnt out and ready to be done. I was wrong.

Tensions have been running relatively high here for the past few weeks. Its just a crazy time of year. Constant running around, tons of school activities, projects, recital preparation. Which add up to late bedtimes and cranky kids. Kids to be honest that have been driving me so insane with the constant fighting, whining and competition of every last God forsaken thing (right down to who I will sit next to at dinner, while reading or at the movies) that I literally count the minutes till bedtime on most nights.

This weekend however was a little different. For the most part we all got along, there was minimal fighting and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Which is why I was surprised when I was making the rounds tucking everyone in, one started with the "mom my stomach is hurting". On a Sunday night when said child has been fine ALL Weekend, right up to ten minutes before bed, it's a classic sign of "I'm already making my case to stay home from school tomorrow". So I responded that I was sorry to hear that and I was sure a goodnight of sleep would take care of the problem and she would feel much better in the morning. She then asked if I could lay with her for a little bit. My first reaction was honestly to say no. I had things I wanted to get done, I was tired and honestly I didn't want to ruin a nice weekend, by fighting about the fact, she was going to school tomorrow.  However I also realized I probably had a limited amount of time left in which she was going to ask for this, so I acquiesced.

After laying there for a few minutes I asked, is there a reason why you don't want to go to school? At first she towed the line of legit upset stomach. So I prodded a little more, making the case she was fine all day and evening. I was met with silence. So I tried again, asking "are you just tired"? "Are you worried about the tests coming up"? "Are you having a problem with someone at school"? There was the tiniest bit of raised eyebrows which told me that I had hit the nail on the head, but she was not verbally confirming. This is one of the hardest moments I have as a parent. If you push too much, they will shut down and you get zero info. However at this point you know something is wrong and they want to talk about it but are also conflicted. So I waited. After a few moments, she began to talk. At recess there were boys who have started to single out girls and call them names like asshole or dick and the piece de resistance, ugly. My first impulse was I'm going to find these 10 year old turds and drop kick their asses.  Knowing that was not a viable option,  I asked two questions. First, "do you think you are ugly"? She answered with no. Second, "do you honestly care what they think"? She answered this too with a no, however there was a caveat. She said, "mom, I really don't care what they think, but some of the girls do and it really upsets them". Then she relays that there is a girl that they are particularly hard on. This is a girl that she really does not like, however she felt so bad for this girl that she defended her. That action caused the boys to say meaner things to my daughter. She said, "I don't regret sticking up for her, but I'm so tired of this".  Honestly I felt a little at a loss. I was racking my brain for anything I could say that could make a difference. My first attempt failed miserably. I tried pulling someone out of history that made a difference. I landed on Lincoln. I said when Lincoln was a boy he made choices to defend things/people he believed were being treated unfairly even knowing his actions might cause himself trouble.  She responded that he was also a trouble maker, when he was a kid. Not the reaction I expected, so I knew I needed something more solid.  Then it hit me, I knew a language I could speak that she would respond to. It is not a secret that the Kellys are major (understatement of the year) fans of Superheroes. So I went with that. I said you know what this feels like to me? It feels like the part of a Superhero origin story. She kind of looked at me like I had gone bonkers. But I knew I was on to something. So I said, no think about it. Before Captain America was Cap, he was Steve Rodgers. Good guy, big heart, constantly getting picked on. However it never stopped him from doing the right thing EVEN if it was the hard choice. I ticked off a few more examples, Peter Parker, Clark Kent both endlessly teased but both heroes. While I'm talking it dawns on me, maybe she already on some level knows this. Feels this. We watch these types of movies constantly and she has taken to actually reading the comics. So I end with telling her that I am insanely proud of her. That it takes a special type of person to stand up for someone, knowing that it will bring more trouble onto herself. I told her, it might not feel like it now, but this is the stuff leaders are made of. I told her to remember in the end, the Superheroes usually end up kicking the villains asses. This got a big chuckle, so I kissed her goodnight and told her never stop being her. She is my hero.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Dear Girl

This morning I was standing in the book aisle in Target. I picked up a children's book by one of my favorite authors, Amy Krouse Rosenthal.  She passed away last year and the book was published posthumously.  The title of the book is Dear Girl. It was written with her daughter and was clearly advice, thoughts, reminders, little nudges from a mother to a daughter. So I am standing in the middle of Target crying like a fool for two reasons. One, I can only imagine how hard that book was for them to write together. It was simple, beautiful and in my opinion perfect. Two, it hit home. I have had a constant, nagging thought that has been invading my brain for the past few weeks. Maybe it's because it's the start of the New Year and resolutions, goals, life changing ideas are in full swing. Maybe it is because 40 is approaching at lightening speed. Maybe I'm just insane and sappy, who knows?

What I do know is that I am constantly consumed with the thought that I need to make sure my girls are armed with confidence, knowledge (both of self and educational), that they feel beautiful both inside and out. The need to teach them to be brave, not afraid to take chances. To understand failure is OK, it's part of life, it's a good lesson and kick ass motivation. That not everyone will like you and that is OK too, its just part of life. To surround themselves with people (kids) they have fun with, laugh with, will have their backs and forget about the rest, its just noise. 

Then I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. I've spent 9 years thinking about those things, preaching those things, working to prefect those ideas so they sink in. Yet I do not listen to my own advice or apply those same thoughts to myself. What the actual hell?? At 39 why have I given up on those ideals for me? I may be off base here, but I think a lot of my peers are stuck in my same rut. We want these things for our daughters or children but for some reason we are not applying that same thought of worthiness to ourselves. This was a huge head slap for me. Here I am telling my girls don't be afraid to take chances. Yet when a risky idea pops into my head, it's quickly followed by, I'm getting too old, what if people think I'm dumb, what if I fail? Again I say to myself, what the hell? I tell the girls, surround yourself with people who make you feel good to be you, not everyone will like you and that's ok. Yet again not following my own advice,  I was still getting caught up in, what people think of me? Falling into the trap of wanting to make everyone happy. Again self, what the hell?

It seems that we put so much time, effort, focus and consideration into others that we forget the same ideals should apply to us as well. We need to remind ourselves, our moms, our sisters our best friends, you are amazing, inspiring, beautiful (inside and out) Be fearless, be proud, be funny, take chances, live your life the way you want. Surround yourself with people who, love, encourage and accept you for you. All the rest is just noise. 

Friday, September 15, 2017

The Most Important Task

First let me say, before I get started, this post may (most definitely will) contain profanity. I do not wish to offend anyone, so there is my warning. Continue at your own risk.

I had an epiphany the other day. As parents we are constantly aware of the awesome and daunting responsibility that is given to us to raise another human being. It is our job to keep them safe, educate them, feed them, bathe them ( a least a few times a week). Then something dawned on me. As the girls were running around like a bunch of banshees antagonizing each other about the stupidest possible things. I realized our biggest responsibility is to make sure  that our kids don't grow up to be assholes. I mean really and I am sorry for this but I can think of no better word to describe kids behavior (even the really good ones) at least some of the time.  I've come to the conclusion that it is just something that comes natural to kids and it is our job to correct it before we set them free into the world.

It was like the curtain was lifted and the Wizard was revealed to me. I look back on so so so many examples of what can only be described as asshole behavior demonstrated for no other reason other than to royally piss someone else off and then get a kick out of it.

Just a few examples and my guess is these are pretty common.  One of the favorites in our house, when one of them announces they are going to play with a toy. Upon hearing that desire a child closer to the toy grabs it and runs saying " I'm playing with it, I had it first"! Yep assholeitis at its finest. When they are coloring and one takes the crayon the other announced they were just looking for. Asshole. When getting ready to sit down at the table. One will say "I'm sitting next to mommy". Only to be hip checked or plowed over by someone who was in a completely different room but heard the declaration and decided it was their God given duty to thwart it. Asshole. When playing outside and someone announces I'm going to swing now, the kid on the slide moves faster then the speed of light and hops on the swing. Asshole.

The examples are endless and mind boggling. I don't know why they do it. They only do it to each other, so on some level they completely and totally understand that the behavior is wrong. Other than them not listening this is the most frustrating role as a parent, to constantly correct the asshole behavior. It's not like you can just say "hey kid you are being a real asshole and I'm going to need you to knock it off pronto". No that would be waaaay to easy. This is where our most important task comes in. It is a constant discussion of, why did you do that? How would you feel if someone did that to you? Was the the right thing to do, and tell me why not? It is making them understand the consequences of their actions and how their behavior makes someone else feel.

If we do this the right way, right now. We have a chance of raising kids who will NOT grow up to do things like: see someone put their turn signal on and speed up just so the person can't merge. Who will not cut in line. Who will not sneak in and take the parking space from someone who is already waiting. Who will not talk on their cell phones in the loudest possible voice in doctor's offices, trains or in public in general. Who will stop and hold doors for people. Who will say please and thank you to everyone. Who will let someone go ahead of them or stop to let someone out in traffic.

So I will take my duty of eradicating the world of assholes to heart and do the very best I can do.  I know you will too, May the Force Be With You. Lord knows we need all the help we can get.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Put Your Own Mask On First

 I have been extremely thoughtful on how I choose to boost the girls self confidence. This is something Kevin and I have been mindful since the girls started to understand language.
When you have girl children the compliments around them tend to lean toward the "Wow, you have beautiful girls", or "aren't they cute, sweet, pretty." You get the picture. At home I like to throw in a different kind of positive reinforcement .  When they struggle with something, whether it be school or sports.  I remind them persistence pays off. I let them know we are not looking for perfection, but rather for them to do the best they can do.  When their feelings are hurt on the playground, we talk about the meaning of what true friendship is. Would a true friend stand by while other friends say mean things? I ask them to ask themselves, "what would you do?" I console them as they come to terms with the fact that not everyone is nice, that not everyone wants to be our friend, and the hardest idea, not everyone will like us. Once that sinks in, we talk about why that makes our true friends something we should truly appreciate and treasure.

They tend to talk amongst themselves a lot about what they want to be when they grow up. Sometimes it's a doctor, other times it's an astronaut, artist, teacher, president. Over and over and over again, I tell them they can grow up to be whatever it is they want.  Elizabeth once told Abbie it would be really hard to be President, and Abbie just replied, "Yeah I know, but I can do it". She didn't miss a beat, she acknowledged it would be hard, yet it didn't scare her off and there was definitely no confidence lost in her response. That exchange really hit home for me and it also made me think about how I  view myself.

I have made it my life's mission to make sure these kids know they are smart, strong, creative, funny, can achieve anything they put their minds to and are worthy of respect.
Listening to Abbie I wondered when did I stop believing all that was possible for myself? I don't think I'm alone in this position. I have so many friends that bend over backward for their children. They give them the best of everything. I'm not talking about material goods. I am speaking about doing the work that really and truly shapes a child. To let them know day in and day out they are loved, to sit at the table and work together on homework and school projects. To race home from work and get them to soccer, baseball or ballet. Make their favorite dinner. Praise them when the note is sent home to let us know, just how good they were in school today. To stop whatever it is we are doing and give them those moments they need to feel important to us. To listen, to encourage, to provide constructive criticism.

We are so very good at doing these things for our children, but so many of us have stopped doing them for ourselves. How many times have we diminished ourselves instead of giving ourselves the pep talk we needed? Are we listening to each other? Are we encouraging each other? Are we praising each other? I don't think there is an age where that stops being important and yet it is no longer a priority for us or our peers. How many times have we had the thoughts, " I can't do it,  "I'm not strong enough", "I'm too old now", "I'm too tired" "I'm too fat" and on and on. Do we stand up to the "playground bullies" or are we politically correct? Do we value ourselves enough to let go of friendships that add more chaos and less love?

Can we really and truly set a good example for our kids, if we are not taking care of ourselves? We all know children pick up on everything they see and hear. It affects the way they think, behave and view the world.

I think it's time we remember we need to put on our own oxygen masks first. How can we affectively help our kids if we are not first helping ourselves.  We need to remind ourselves, our spouses and best friends,  that " Hey, I think you are strong, smart, funny, can do anything you put your mind to."

It's never too late.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Just Keep Swimming

In January of 2015 I wrote a blog post about choosing to be happy. I made the conscious choice to attempt to choose positivity and happiness over falling into a pit of despair and negativity. Don't get me wrong, I stand at the edge of that pit and think about diving in head first and grabbing a few candy bars for good measure.  However 95% (nobody's perfect) of the time I am able to back away from the cliff, push the reset button and push forward.

I have been in that pondering mood again. Why? How? That is what I ask myself. How and why have I been able to maintain my attempt for the past 20 months.  When I reflected and came to certain realizations, I felt I needed to share.

Lets start with how. Unfortunately we are bombarded by so much negativity and hate that I think we lose sight of the good. There is good though! It really is all around us, we just have to be open to seeing it and receiving it.  For me this has come in the form of people. I feel the need to point this out, because I think as a whole we don't realize how our actions and words affect others. I don't mean in a bad way. I mean in a GOOD way.  A simple compliment, thank you, hug, text, call, may completely change the course of a persons day and outlook on life.  This has made a tremendous difference for me in the past year and a half. In the past three weeks alone, I had one friend mention me and another person in a post. Essentially saying that because she had received encouragement, she was going to give something a shot, that she was hesitant to do, because others believed in her and let her know! I cannot tell you, how it made me feel, that something that seemed so small on my part, made a drastic difference to someone else. I had another friend out of the blue compliment my photography skills and the way I raise my kids (at the time I felt I was sucking at both).  I have had champions in the past year and they do not realize the impact their actions have made on me and my life. Making my first friend in Texas, was life changing. she had no idea how much that saved me. We connected instantly, she feels like a sister to me now. I can talk to her when I'm sad/mad/happy. She will not BS me, she is a straight shooter all the way and I love her for it. Our kids play, we hang out together as a family. That sense of belonging changed me.  My neighbor who has become one my best friends. She ALWAYS has my back. If one of the girls is sick, she picks the other up from school, the water heater breaks down, her husband (also a good friend) is there helping. Our kids play. If she knows I'm struggling, she checks in. She cares and she lets that be known. It has literally changed and saved me more times than I can count.  I have a friend that I have known since the fourth grade. One of the positives of Facebook is that we reconnected after years. We text almost every single day. Sometimes it a funny meme, other times serious conversations. We have this insane connection that cannot be put into words. Her texts come through at the times I need them the most and she could have no clue. Having that relationship has changed me for the better. Then I have a husband that after 19 years, I am pretty sure we share a brain. He knows what I am thinking before I even say it. He also knows just the right time to say either, " You are doing a fantastic job and I'm proud of you" or " the cranky pants have been on long enough, time for a wardrobe change"! I love him all the more for it.  For me these are just a very few examples of how someone else's kindness, insight, text or call has made a direct impact on my mission of choosing to be happy. Choosing to be positive, choosing to go out and kick the world's ass, instead of it kicking mine.
That brings me to the "why" portion. Why do I choose to continue my mission? I know some people  think I am insane. That choosing to believe sunshine, happiness, faith, hope and little bit of pixie dust can make a difference, is annoying and delusional. I assure you. I am not crazy.  So why? Why am I seemingly so nauseatingly positive? Even in situations that seem to not have one ounce of any good?? Three words. Elizabeth. Abigail. Sydney.  I want them to ALWAYS search for the good, the happiness, the kind, the helpers.  Yes, the world is full of hate, evil, and negativity but it doesn't have to win. The battle against it has to start somewhere. So I am starting it at the most logical place for me, home.
If I do nothing else right in this life, I hope this is the ONE thing I get right. I want them to face adversity with the courage to know they can over come. I want them to throw love at the haters. I want them to be able to LAUGH, even when the situation seems dire. That is my wish, that is my goal. While I focus on that here. I want to share that it so easily spread. Make that call, send the text, give someone a hug or an unexpected compliment. Who knows, we just might change the world!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Body Shaming: Something Needs To Change.

This week Elizabeth came home and recounted a lunch time conversation that she had at school. It was so preposterous that I can't shake it. She told me that 2 girls that she sat next to during lunch told her, that if she continued to eat a turkey/salami/cheese sandwich, that also had mayo (gasp) she was going to get fat.  Yes, folks she was told at seven by other seven years olds, that eating her sandwich daily was going to make her FAT.  They recommended to her that she eat salad and chicken, because that doesn't make you fat. Seriously? Is this what it is coming to? Body shaming starts in the first grade. I was shocked and saddened.

This is something that I have personally struggled with as long as I can remember.  I remember vividly comparing myself to the models on Seventeen magazine. I did the thigh master religiously. I snuck diet pills. I look back at those pictures of myself now, and think "what in the hell was wrong with you"?? "You were not fat, you had a perfectly normal body, dare I say beautiful"?  Being 5'8 made me not petite and therefore in my eyes fat. Oh how stupid I was...

It ( body image) was at the top of my list of things I wanted to be different for my girls.  So much so, we have NEVER EVER uttered the word fat in front of the girls. Even as I continue to struggle with my own personal body image issues, I never speak about my self-conscious thoughts in front of them. They listen to EVERYTHING, they hear EVERYTHING. Instead we talk about being healthy. We discuss that we need to try new foods, fruits and vegetables included. We do have the fun treats, but we do so in moderation, because too much of anything is not good for you. We talk about the need for exercise to keep you HEALTHY. That is the word I try to use, healthy. Not fat. Not skinny. Not strong. Not weak. Healthy.  Our goal is to make good choices and keep our mind and body healthy.

I am lucky that I am raising self confident girls that trust me, themselves and communicate well. First, she recognized that she was not going to get fat and promptly told the other girls, eating her sandwich was not going to make her fat. Second, she came home and openly spoke to me and asked questions. I am lucky, but it may not be like that for every little girl. So where does that leave us? It leaves us with seven year old girls being afraid that eating their lunch will make them fat and I for one am not okay with that.

What is the answer? I don't know and I am ticked! I think communication and raising self confident little girls is key.  Teaching them beauty comes in all shapes and sizes is a must. Making good choices is a must. Realizing their own self worth is a MUST. Making healthy choices is key. Building each other up instead of tearing each other down is a MUST.

This is a conversation I wish we didn't have to have but we do. Maybe that is where we start. A open, honest conversation.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

What Matters Most

Last night I had one of those wake up calls as a parent that you really don't want to get but maybe need. It had been one of those days that started at 2am with a kid puking (awesome way to start the day)! So I had the younger girls home with me all day. I decided to take advantage of being housebound and cleaned out several closets. The girls were either best friends or sworn enemies, mostly the latter of the two. Needless to say there was a lot of yelling, whining and refereeing throughout the day. Matters did not improve when the oldest came home, it just got louder!
Everyone has these days during the week. Rush rush rush, clean, cook, moderate, chauffeur. It is complete chaos. Some days are easier than others. Some days tempers and irritability are running at all time highs.
After dinner, things actually begin to settle somewhat, still extremely loud and rambunctious but controlled. I was washing the dishes, Ebeth and Abbie were chasing each other around the living room and Sydney was having her treat at the table. All of a sudden I heard a very strange sound coming from Sydney. She was clearly choking but at this point still getting air. I ran over to her,  she was panicked and bright red. I pounded her back between the shoulder blades first, then no sound was coming from her. She was trying to inhale and couldn't So I am quickly trying to remove her from the chair and she is fighting me because she is terrified and trying fix this herself. I knew I was going to have to do the Heimlich on her and tried to quickly let her know mommy is trying to help. Attempting to do the Heimlich on a terrified 3 year old who cannot breathe correctly is like wrestling an extremely pissed off bear. At this point Ebeth has realized something is really wrong, I can hear her say we should call 911, but I don't have time to explain we don't have time. Nothing happened after the first push, I tried to crack her on the the back again, still nothing. I am one of those people who is good in a crisis, I can remain calm during and stay focused and then afterwards, have my little meltdown. When she still couldn't breathe after the first push and pound on the back, my brain went into complete overdrive. First thought, how long do I have? Answer, not long. Second thought. What if I can't do this? Answer, not an option. Keep trying. The second time I pushed she coughed then gagged then screamed louder than all get out and I have never in my life been happier to hear that sound. This whole episode took probably less than one minute and yet it felt as if time was standing still.
After I made sure she was ok and the crying stopped we all went to sit together on the couch. This is when I started recapping the day and previous days in my mind. How many times did I snap at her that day? How many times in the last few days or weeks have I been asked to play a game, have a  tea party, cuddle on the couch, color? And how many times was my response, I can't right now. I was either cleaning or on the phone or doing dishes or laundry or cooking.
Yes, all of the aforementioned items must be done but they are not as important as we make them out to be in our heads. Does it really matter, if the house is vacuumed? or a dish is sitting in the sink? Or laundry is sitting in a basket? No it doesn't! The answer is so plain and simple nothing is more important than your family and your kids.
In this day and age we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations because of things like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Life is not picture perfect. It is messy, it is chaotic it is full of ups and downs. That is why we have family and friends to help us get through. They don't care if you baked the perfect cookie or if your house is spotless! I am very guilty of falling into all of those traps. So maybe I needed that slap in the face. Now is the time for that cuddle and the tea party because in a blink of an eye, this stage will be over. I don't want to be doing the dishes when that happens..